


Loving You (the best choice I never made)

by captainBucky (GYPAFY)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M, mentions of Steve/Peggy but don't let that scare u off this whole thing is just angry Bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 13:23:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7575586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GYPAFY/pseuds/captainBucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You think that’s love?” He says, spitting the words with venom. “See this, this would be funny, fucking HILARIOUS even, if this were any other goddamn situation. But this is our lot Steve, and so, really, you're just being cruel.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loving You (the best choice I never made)

“I think I love her,” Steve says, voice quiet and uncertain, and his blue eyes— _damn, those same blue eyes_ —fix themselves on the ground. Bucky doesn’t know what to think. He had asked jokingly about Peggy, with the same awkwardness that always hovered around him when it came to talking with the _new_ Steve. And when Steve hadn’t answered back with the same humor in his voice, it threw Bucky off.

“I think I love her,” Steve echoes himself, voice even more unsure, finally staring up at Bucky. When they lock eyes, for the first time in awhile, it doesn’t matter that Steve has a whole new body, because he has the _same damn eyes_ and Bucky can read them just as well as he always has been able to. And clear as day, he can see Steve trying to piece it out:

  * _Guys like pretty girls_
  * _Girls like strong, handsome guys_
  * _Peggy is a pretty girl, and now, I’m a strong, handsome, healthy guy_
  * _Is that...love?_



Bucky watches a tinge of despair creep in with Steve’s confusion, and Bucky realizes that Steve, always trying so _fucking_ hard, is _forcing_ the idea upon himself. That, yea, maybe he had wanted something with Bucky before, but his body had changed, and his _life_ sure as hell changed, so his desires shouldn’t follow far behind right? He could act like it was supple breasts he wanted instead of solid chests, warm folds instead of beard burn and the adrenaline of thinking _maybe it’s a sin but its so fucking worth it_.

Bucky huffs out a bitter laugh, sneering at Steve.

“You think that’s _love_?” He says, spitting the words with venom. “Goddamn Steve, I thought…no. No, ya see?” Bucky said, now circling Steve in the small space. “See this, this would be funny, _fucking hilarious_ even if this were any other _god damn_ situation. But this is our lot Steve, and so, really, you're just being _cruel._ ”

“Bucky…” Steve asks, surprise and confusing etching into his features. “Wha-“

“You think _that’s_ love, Steve?” Bucky starts again, louder, even more aggressive, and starting to crowd Steve’s space. Suddenly Bucky’s voice grows quiet, but the anger is still laced deep in each of his words.

“Do you _know_ ,” he says, shoving Steve on the last word. “How _fucking_ long it took me to figure it out? I thought you were the _smart_ one, thought you had it all figured out _before_ me. Hell, maybe you did, maybe that GODDAMN SERUM _FUCKED_ with your BRAIN, but YOU LOVED _ME_ , STEVE, FUCKING HELL, AND I LOVED YOU TOO!” Bucky takes a second to breathe, throat raw, but starts again before Steve can say anything.

“You should goddamn well _KNOW_ what love is! You think- No, You say you’re the same person, but _my_ Stevie was smarter than this. _Love_ is not something that happens just because a guy and a gal have a couple conversations! Yes, Steve, you love her, you love the _idea_ of her, you love the _idea_ of being an amazing, strong, healthy guy, with a top-notch dame to raise a family with, because you couldn’t have that before! That does not mean that you love _her._ ”

Bucky pauses, and this time, it seems like he expects some sort of response from Steve. Steve just stares at him, stunned, so Bucky continues, more calmly.

“I _know_ you Steve. I know how you run, what makes you tick. So maybe you’ll understand better if I put it like this. I guess some of your stubbornness rubbed off on me, because this, here? This is a fight, and I won’t back down. You’d defend anyone up against a bully, I’m tryna defend our right to live outside the lines. Freedom, right? That’s what we’re here for. And maybe you will fall for Peggy, for real, but this?” He says, pointing between them.

“This is…is love. I’m in love with _you_ Stevie, and I thought you felt the same up until pretty recently. And we…don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved every second of…us, but we never even gave _us_ a real shot. I just don’t want ya signing off with some dame the second that I don’t have to worry about you dying every five minutes.”

“Bucky…”

“Save it, Steve. Just. Don’t…don’t answer me anything right now, just think it through, talk it over with _Peggy_ if you’re so inclined. If you decide you want... Well, you know I’ll be waiting.”

With that, Bucky pushes out of the tent, leaving Steve alone in the dark.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second installment of: I-use-stucky-as-an-outlet-for-insignificant-but-still-existing-grief. The first installment is not online (yet?). I swear, I'm a better writer, but sometimes shit like this just gets pulled out of you.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed, comment if you'd like more, yadda yadda. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
